As I sit here doodling once again one of my many to do lists, knowing full well there is absolutely no reason or need to impose on myself this “I HAVE to do THIS before THEN” feeling, it occurs to me I am not doing anyone any favours. Least of all myself. I also know full well there will be people who, after taking one look at my list, will mutter something along the lines of “Is that it? Mine is way longer!”. I know this too.
Everyone is different. Not just in how they look, think, talk and feel but also in their ability to handle everyday life and the endless tasks that seem to come with it. For some time now I have come to realize I am the type of person who can only handle so much. And in most cases really much less than others.
I get extremely frazzled when confronted with too much to do. I will manage, yes. But I can assure you it will be quite noticeable for people around me something is not right. I get distracted, an intense desire to be alone rises up, I will grow silent and unresponsive and, and this really does not make any sense at all, I will procrastinate to the extreme. Nothing much gets done in the end.
As you can imagine, a high-powered job or even just a regular full-time job, is not for me. I would not know how to juggle everything. People telling me, now and in the past, that I could achieve so much more are probably right in theory but I just know I would make a terrible mess of things. Insecurity? No, just knowing myself.
For now, making myself believe things do not need to be done in a certain timeframe is a hard thing for me to do but I try. I reason with myself many things can also be done by others, or not at all, and everything will be fine then too. I cope by continuously adjusting my own expectations and goals. It is tiring. And not something I like to talk about too much for fear of sounding ‘spoiled’.
Thoreau wrote in Walden ‘Life is frittered away by details. Simplify, simplify.’ Now, I have no intention to live in a cabin in the woods like he did. For one, I think the children would be quite upset if there is no breakfast table set in the morning. But to be able to simplify, yes, it is something I think about a lot. How much do we need in life? How much do we actually need to do? How to simplify?
For now I will make matters easier by consciously cutting back on that weekend to do list in front of me. Which means there will be a big blank space right here on this blog tomorrow and I will not be attempting to organize my dressing room, edit photos for that hotel review I had hoped to put up on the blog this past week, run 10 km twice, try 3 new recipes, finish reading that book, keep up with too many social media channels or immerse myself in thinking about work related strategies within the next 48 hours.
That still leaves plenty of other things on that list but that is okay. I’ll be out in the woods if anyone is looking for me.